Friday, December 25, 2009

Dirty Little Secrets.

I have so many "dirty little secrets" it's not even funny anymore...Not like it was in the first place but now it's just ridiculous. So there's this boy. And I think I'm in this one thing and then I just had the most horrifying realization that I dated his brother. And I want to tell him but I don't and I don't know what to do. I had an awesome Christmas though....With probably one of the best presents I've ever gotten...Which I don't know if the person who gave it to me knew that they did....Maybe so. But I need a postcasrd now. Maybe I'll send you one from hell. Not to mention to other thing that can not be mentioned. I know I'm being vague but hey being vague is more fun than this other thing. And so now I'm lost in this labyrinth of my mind and mine alone becuase no one else knows whats going on completely. A few know some details but no one knows the whole story. I want to tell the whole thing to whome of which it concerns the most but I don't want to be that serious with this person. Here we go again. Reminding myself of how oblivious I am. What's with all these secrets I'm building. I never keep anything like this. Dirty little fuckin secrets. They need to released just like a pent up wild beast that can smell blood. They're there. Lurking in the back of my mind. Just waiting to be shout out in a drunken stupor. Always ready to ruin my life. So much fun was had that I don't want to ruin it though. I"m enjoying myself more than I ever have except for these things weighing me down. They're constantly on my mind. Eating away at my soul beucase of how horrible and naughty I've been. If it's one thing I wanted for Christmas it would be diplomatic immunity...I need to be able to talk without repercussions....

Monday, December 14, 2009

Miracles.

I haven't been around much. And I'm sorry to whoever decided that they liked my opinions becuase I have not been present to share them more. I feel like a different person. Like nothing is real. Nothing exists. I am nothing. Not in a completely negative sense but it just is.
Everything is not a lie, it just simply is on a downhill slope into the black nothingness that surrounds our present day lives. The emotional capacity of a human has lessen so far that we have to use things like this to get our thoughts and feelings out. What ever happened to writing a poem or calling up an old friend. Now it's nothing but "Hey I"ll just send them a text". Yeah that'll show you care. Puh-lease. Not only is communication on any sort of intelligent level 'sitting at a stand-still'(ironic, no?)but any sort of creativity in the lower levels is nonexistent.
However, I did not come here to blame mass communication of idiocy for all of my problems. Truth is, I've been hit fairly hard by the train of despair called stagnation. It's not that it's the same job. And it's not that it's the same people causing the drama llama to break out of it's pen. It's that everything else is still the same. It could be any amount of different people, jobs, situations, days, weeks, you name it. But the circumstances will always be the same.
I have my powers and other have their own to fight me. It's like a comic book battle between somewhat good and someone else who's still on the fence between good and evil themselves.
I've lost faith in the human race long ago and I often wonder how I can be a superhero when I find no real reason that people should still even inhabit the earth. Not only are we overpopulating and polluting and countless things that cause distress all over this green earth, but what do we even have to show for it?
I mean in all honesty. I stopped giving a damn about just about everyone anymore. For a while there I was concerned it every homeless transient person in my town was warm, but recently I"ve just lost it.
No big change happened to turn my faith or anything like that. No one abused my generosity or abandoned my trust, helpless and cold in a gutter somewhere. I've just completely and utterly lost faith.
If the world were going to end in 2012 I know for a fact I could survive. I would kick ass. But I don't want to. I don't have the will in me to preserve the species. Maybe I'm broken, or maybe just sadistic.
I'm not suicidal but I've coped with death and whatnot. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Stories of children giving up their sandwich at lunch to a less privileged student doesn't warm my heart. Nor does an elderly woman taking in the local stray cat or anything like that. Maybe it's because everything's been too played out and life is all cliche'd now and there's no such thing as originality or even veering from the beaten path.
I have not seen anything that has brought tears of joy or warmth to my eyes in so long I can't even remember the last time it happened. I am most definitely not a humanitarian in any way shape or form. And this was established well before this post and the onslaught of hopelessness. But this is crazy. Especially around Christmas....Maybe I need a Christmas miracle for once...
But being the pessimist I am, I'm not holding my breath.